Someone may have told you, “It’s just a pet.” Or maybe the grief caught you off guard, by how hard it hit or by how quiet it’s been. If you’re wondering whether what you’re feeling is normal, the short answer is that grief after losing a pet can look like almost anything, from tears to feeling very little.
Grieving a pet can look like tears, numbness, guilt, or trouble sleeping, and veterinary pet loss teams describe all of it as part of grief. Some people believe, for a moment, that they’ve seen or heard their pet. Grief after losing a pet doesn’t run on a schedule. It can ease for a while and come back in waves. More support can help, and you can reach out any time.
Some grief starts before a pet is gone, and our anticipatory grief guides are written for anyone in that stretch right now.
If you’re having thoughts of not wanting to be here, call 911 (or your local emergency number) if you’re in immediate danger, and otherwise call or text 988.
Key Takeaways
- Crying, numbness, nausea, trouble focusing, wanting company, or wanting to be alone can all be part of grieving a pet.
- After losing a pet, some people believe for at least a split second that they’ve seen or heard their pet, or catch themselves calling their pet’s name. Others don’t.
- There’s no organized plan, formula, or schedule for grief after losing a pet, and it can come and go in waves. More support can help at any point.
- If someone wants to help, you can ask for respect and empathy, shared memories, in-person company, or a hug. In one study in China, grieving pet parents said they especially wanted those.
- If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number first. If you’re thinking about not wanting to be here, you can call or text 988 at any hour.
Table of Contents
What Can Grieving a Pet Look Like?
Almost anything. Grief after losing a pet can show up in your body, your thinking, your feelings, who you want around you, and what you believe. Cornell’s veterinary college lists many signs as some ways that one may experience grief and calls them a “normal” part of the grieving process. Its list covers five parts of life:
- Body: crying, nausea, fatigue, body aches, eating more or less, sleeping more or having trouble sleeping, feeling tense or restless.
- Mind: trouble focusing or getting through everyday tasks or work, feeling like none of this is real, feeling preoccupied by the loss.
- Feelings: sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, numbness, loneliness, embarrassment, hopelessness.
- Social life: wanting more time with friends and family or less, finding it hard to get into things you usually enjoy, reaching for distractions.
- Beliefs: questioning faith or the afterlife, anger at a higher power, searching for meaning in the loss.
Nausea, aches, and exhaustion can be grief, and they can be something else. If something in your body is new, getting worse, or worrying you, get it checked rather than assuming it’s grief.
And if grief has brought thoughts of not wanting to be here, please reach out now: 911 or your local emergency number if you’re in immediate danger, and otherwise a call or text to 988. The 988 Lifeline is available 24/7/365, and conversations are free and confidential.
Feelings can swing from day to day, or even moment to moment, Cornell notes. The stages of grief people often hear about don’t always arrive in order, either. Writing about grief after a person dies, MedlinePlus says those stages might not occur in a specific order, and can occur together. For a closer look at feelings like guilt and relief, our pet loss grief and emotions guides go through each of those feelings in turn.
Guilt After Losing a Pet
Guilt is one of the most common emotions people experience after the death of their pet, according to the pet loss guide from Ohio State’s veterinary medical center, and guilt can loop through what you could have, should have, or would have done. One thing to try: say the guilty thought out loud to someone you trust, exactly as it sounds in your head, or picture what you’d tell a friend who said it to you.
Anger After Losing a Pet
Anger is on Cornell’s list, and grief can point it in many directions: at the vet, a family member, yourself, the world, or a higher power. If anger comes with questions about what happened, you can ask them. Putting the anger somewhere, like a hard walk or a page you write and then tear up, can take some of the heat out of it.
When Memories of Your Pet Start to Blur
Memories can blur in grief. The same Ohio State guide says that’s not unusual and doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your pet. Looking through photos, writing down what you remember, or, if someone else knew them, asking for a favorite story can help you hold on to those memories.
Feeling Relief After Your Pet Is Gone
Relief can be part of grief. It can come after a long illness or a hard stretch of caregiving. Writing about people, MedlinePlus notes that when someone dies after a chronic illness, the end of their suffering might even come as a relief. Some people feel relief that their pet’s pain is over, some that the long nights are ending, and some can’t say why. Our piece on feeling relief when your pet dies looks at how relief and missing them can show up together.
Replaying What Happened
Replaying what happened is common. If you were there, the last moments can play over and over, like a video playing the same scene, the Ohio State guide says. If the loss was sudden, the replay can fill up with questions. If a vet saw your pet, they may be able to talk through what they found. Cornell suggests getting emotions out through words, writing, or art, so a page in a notebook, a voice memo, or a sketch can each hold some of it.
Seeing or Hearing Your Pet After They’re Gone
Sometimes a sound or a shape seems like them. In one study of grieving dog and cat parents who’d had their pet for six years or more and lost them within the past two years, 84% had, for at least a split second in the previous two weeks, believed they’d seen or heard their pet, and many found pet-related habits hard to break, like calling their pet’s name. They had volunteered because they were grieving, so how common this is for everyone isn’t known. Others don’t have these moments.
Dog parents who answered a social media call for these stories described a sign, a dream, or a visit after their dog was gone. Most found those moments positive, and a few found them spooky, bittersweet, and even heartbreaking. People make sense of these moments in different ways, and some don’t try to.
Some keep the connection in quieter ways. In interviews with 33 grieving pet parents, many kept meaningful ties with their pet through things like fond memories, rituals, dreams. The researchers found that whether those ties were adaptive mattered more than how many they had.
How Long Does Grieving a Pet Last?
There’s no set length. Grief after losing a pet follows no organized plan, formula or schedule, the Ohio State guide says, and grief can come back in waves after a calmer stretch. The guide hopes that sadness becomes less difficult over time, not that you stop missing your pet.
We’d look at how grief is affecting your days more than at the calendar. A wave can come from almost anywhere. Their bowl or their brush. A leash, a carrier, or a halter by the door. A time of day you shared. For some people, the missing stays in the background on some days and comes closer on others.
The American Psychiatric Association, writing about grief for people, notes that feelings and symptoms of grief may sometimes increase at different points in time. For pet parents, a birthday, an adoption day, or a time of year you connect with them can stir it up.
A lighter day can bring its own guilt, as if feeling better means caring less. That guilt can sit right alongside everything else you feel.
What If People Don’t Understand Your Grief?
You can tell the people who want to help what helps, set limits with anyone who dismisses your grief, and look for people who’ve lost a pet too. Pet loss is considered a form of disenfranchised grief, the Ohio State guide notes, so the support people usually expect after a death can be harder to find.
That can leave people feeling alone. Across 48 studies in one review, grieving pet parents frequently reported feelings of embarrassment and loneliness after the loss.
Grieving a Hamster, a Horse, or a Kitten Who Was Home for Weeks
Cornell’s veterinary college writes: Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of a pet, regardless of their age, size or species. Ohio State’s pet loss guide is written for the loss of any species, from cats and dogs to horses, goats, birds, and snakes. A hamster, a fish, a rabbit, a bird, or a pet you had for a short time can leave a gap in the day. Grief can also come when a pet is missing or has to be rehomed, with no clear ending.
What to Ask For When Someone Wants to Help
In interviews for one study in China, grieving pet parents said they especially wanted messages characterized by respect and empathy, shared memories, in-person company, and physical contact. When someone wants to help and doesn’t know how, you can tell them. A few lines to borrow:
- “Say their name. I like hearing it.”
- “If you have a memory of them, I’d love to hear it.”
- “Could you come sit with me for a bit?”
- “I don’t need advice right now, just company.”
With people who don’t get it, a boundary can be small. It can mean changing the subject, or leaning on someone else for a while. When someone shrugs it off, a short answer can be enough: “I love them, and I miss them,” and then on to something else. If someone keeps bringing up getting another pet, you can say, “I’d rather talk about [pet’s name],” and leave it there. Cornell suggests surrounding yourself with compassionate people who understand the significance of your loss, and a pet loss support group is another place to find them. We’ve also put together fill-in-the-name lines for “it’s just a pet” that you can use, change, or set aside.
Another animal may come home soon, much later, or not at all, and our guide on deciding when to get a new pet walks through what people weigh.
When You Grieve Differently From the People Close to You
Two people can lose the same pet and grieve in completely different ways. Any given person may feel all or none of grief’s emotions, even for the same family pet, the Ohio State guide notes. One person wants the pet’s things put away today, and another wants them left where they are. One talks about the pet constantly, and another doesn’t.
At home, it can help to say plainly what you each need, even when it’s different: “I need to talk about them tonight,” or “I need a quiet evening.”
Helping Children Who Are Grieving a Pet
Younger children may grieve in bursts and then seem like themselves again, Ohio State’s pet loss guide notes, and they may ask the same questions over and over. The guide suggests answering what they ask without piling on more. A few more of its suggestions, along with Cornell’s:
- Use plain words like “died.” Ohio State notes that young children can take phrases like “went to sleep” literally, and “put to sleep” can make some children worried about going to sleep.
- Be honest, and let them ask questions even when you don’t have every answer, Cornell suggests. Ohio State offers “I’m not sure how to answer that question right now” as one honest reply.
- If they seem worried their thoughts or feelings caused it, tell them clearly that they didn’t.
- Let them help remember your pet by drawing a picture, writing a story, or sharing memories. If you’re sad, Cornell says, it’s okay to let your child see it.
If you’ve already used one of those softer phrases, or said they went to a farm or ran away, you can add plain words the next time it comes up.
When Should You Get Help for Pet Loss Grief?
Any time you want it. Help matters even more when sorrow or guilt isn’t easing, when it’s getting in the way of your days or the people and things you care about, or when sleeping, eating, or looking after yourself has gotten hard. A counselor, a support group, or a pet loss hotline can each be a first step.
Summarizing UK research on pet loss, Harvard Health says people experiencing deep and prolonged grief over losing a pet should consider seeking help and watch for health effects like fatigue, headaches, and dizziness.
Where to Find Support While Grieving a Pet
A few places to start, depending on what you need:
- Grief counseling. Our directory lists providers who offer pet loss grief counseling, and some work virtually.
- Support groups. Our directory also lists providers who run pet loss support groups. The American Psychiatric Association notes that bereavement support groups can help people feel less alone.
- A pet loss hotline. Cornell’s Pet Loss Support Hotline is staffed by veterinary students trained by professional grief counselors. Call 607-218-7457. Its hours vary by season, so call for current times.
- Crisis support. Cornell’s hotline isn’t a mental health line. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. If you’re thinking about not wanting to be here, call or text 988 anytime.
How to Cope When You’re Grieving a Pet
Coping while you’re grieving a pet is mostly ordinary things: getting through a meal, a night, a message to a friend, and finding a way to keep your pet close. What helps one day may not the next, and none of it needs to happen in order.
What Can Help Day to Day?
A few ideas that can take a little weight off:
- If you want to tell people, one message can save you telling it over and over: “[Pet’s name] [died/passed away]. I wanted you to know, and I’d love it if you said their name sometime.”
- Make nights a little easier. If they slept near you, a light left on, a podcast, or a change in where you sleep can soften the quiet.
- Keep eating simple. Pick one easy meal you can make without thinking.
- Before an anniversary or a birthday, it can help to decide whether you want company or a quiet day.
- Their things can stay where they are, go in a box or a drawer, or somewhere in between, so you decide when you see them.
- Practical tasks, like canceling a delivery or a reminder, can go to someone else, or they can wait.
- Move a little when you can, around the block or out to a window with some light.
If Other Pets at Home Seem to Be Grieving
Other animals in the home can change after losing a companion. Cornell’s veterinary college says surviving pets may seek attention more often, react more to sounds and movement, seem anxious or withdrawn, or change how they eat, play, or sleep. Its suggestions:
- Keep the daily routine as steady as you can.
- Do things they enjoy together, like exercise, food toys, or training games.
- Give it time. Cornell says it may take weeks to months for things to settle.
Cornell says any lasting behavior change is worth a vet exam rather than assuming it’s grief, especially if they stop eating or drinking, or have accidents in the house. Our guide to helping a pet cope with the loss of another pet goes into the signs dogs and cats can show.
Ways to Honor Your Pet
Some ways people keep their pet close:
- Keep a connection, if it feels good. Talk to them, keep their photo by the bed, or keep a tag, collar, or something of theirs close. A review of continuing bonds after pet loss found that finding bonds that suit you can be a valuable mechanism of support, though bonds can sometimes intensify grief, especially when others don’t recognize the loss.
- Make something. Cornell suggests art or music to honor your pet’s life, or a scrapbook of photos and favorite memories.
- Have a keepsake made. Some families choose one, like jewelry or a key chain that holds a little of their ashes, fur, or feathers.
- Choose a place. If ashes came home, some families keep them at home, and some scatter them somewhere meaningful. If your pet is buried, that spot can be the place. An engraved or painted rock in a favorite spot of theirs is another way to mark a place.
- Give their memory a page. You can make a free online pet memorial here on Love, Baxter, with up to eight photos and their story. Memorial pages are public so that anyone can find and visit them.
Where to Start When You’re Grieving a Pet
If you want a first step, pick one small thing. It might be sending one of the lines above to someone who’d understand. It might be starting a memorial page, so their photos and their story have somewhere to be shared. It might be finding a support group in our directory, or saving the Cornell hotline number for whenever you want it.
Reading this for someone else? Our guide to comforting someone who lost a pet is written for you, with words to say and things to do.
You can also ask us directly. Our personalized help form takes a few quick questions about you and your pet, and we’ll send resources matched to what you’re going through, usually within one business day.
Frequently Asked Questions About Grieving a Pet
Is it normal to not cry after losing a pet?
Some people cry a lot, and some don’t cry at all. Numbness is on Cornell’s list of the ways grief can show up, along with crying. People respond differently to losing a pet, Ohio State’s veterinary team says, and anyone may feel all of grief’s emotions or none of them, even for the same family pet. For some people, grief shows up in other ways, like tiredness or trouble concentrating. If you’d like someone to talk it through with, a counselor who works with pet loss can help anytime.
Is it normal to still be grieving a pet months or years later?
Ohio State’s veterinary team describes the hope of grieving as sadness that becomes less difficult, not a day when you no longer miss them. How grief is affecting your life tells you more than how long it’s been. If you’d like someone to talk it through with, a counselor who works with pet loss can help anytime. You can keep the anniversary of losing them quiet or mark it in their honor. On the days it flares, talking about your pet with a support group, or anyone who’ll listen, can help.
Do you go through the stages of grief when you lose a pet?
You may have heard of five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Writing about grief for people, MedlinePlus calls them one way to describe grief and notes that not everyone experiences all of them. They can overlap and show up out of order. Cornell describes grief as a gradual journey that rarely follows a simple, straight path. The stages can give you words for what you’re feeling, as long as they don’t turn into a checklist. If anger or guilt seems to be taking over, a support group is one place to say it out loud.
Does it help to talk to your pet after they’re gone?
It can. Talking to them, keeping their photo nearby, or writing them a letter are all ways of keeping a bond after losing a pet, which grief researchers call continuing bonds. One review of these bonds in pet loss found that bonds that suit a person can be a real source of support, though they can sometimes intensify grief. If talking to them brings comfort or a sense of closeness, it can stay part of your days. If it keeps leaving you more upset over time, a different kind of connection, like a letter you write once and keep, may sit easier.
How do I know if I need a counselor for pet grief?
A counselor can help at any point, including early on, when you may want an hour focused on the loss. It matters more if grief is crowding out the rest of your life, or if looking after yourself has gotten hard. A counselor who works with pet loss can help with grief that keeps making daily life hard. You can ask a counselor about their experience with pet loss and whether they offer virtual sessions. A pet loss hotline or support group can be a gentler first step if a counselor feels like too much right now. If you’re ever in danger, 911 or your local emergency number comes first, and 988 takes calls and texts at any hour, whether it’s thoughts of not wanting to be here, emotional distress, or mental health struggles.
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